REFLECTIONS AFTER ONE YEAR IN FRANCE  

It has been a year since we arrived in France and it has gone so quickly. So quickly that we are not ready to leave, to go home, to go somewhere. It is time to talk about what is our next step? What is the next year about? What is our future?

For so many years I was so goal focused and had such clarity around my dreams, our dreams, what we needed in life, wanted in life, and how to get it. The past week Jean and I have been going through a variety of scenarios on how we want to live our life going forward, the work we want and don't want to do, the place that will nurture this and Zoe and the ultimate question, the finances.  What used to seem so clear cut seems so difficult. The choices seem harder as we know so much is tied up into each decision for the future. At twenty-five or thirty you know that you can always move again, start over again, buy a different house. At fifty each decision has a ripple effect and a bigger ramification for now and the future. We are now at the place in which we have to determine what we want to do with the assets we have, what we need to do to secure our future and the current and future needs of Zoe and us as individuals and a couple.

Where we are in our time off

This year… I recovered from the stress of the past few years, of running the business alone, the financial strain and obligations, Virginia’s death, lack of sleep and plain old burn out. Year one was about recovery. Year two is seeing if I can make this new passion, this idea of writing come full forth. Can I, can we, make it into a money-making career? Year Two, for Jean is about moving forward with is Phd but not all consuming so he won’t even know he was in France. For me, it is about both. We are both feeling the need to possibly make a change now – to Montpellier, closer to a bigger city, better schools and English speaking families. But it then becomes another distraction and will it bring us further along or will it just distract. Zoe has needs. Is it better to keep her here or to change places, change schools, change locations again. We are all feeling a bit isolated. Maybe it is August, maybe it is we haven’t reached out enough. Enough to be social, to have the right house to socialize, to be invited over. Maybe it just takes a long time to be invited. Maybe it is because we are in this small town where it is hard to break in and yes people are busy too! Maybe it is being the older mom in a place with younger moms. We realize the wonderful trade offs of being in a small French village and the immersion we have had. On the other hand, it makes it difficult to get intimate with French families mostly because of the language, but also because they don't have the needs for so many new friends as we do.

Time Off during our First Year allowed me to:

• Recover from our stressful life
• Recover from the operation
• Be much more patient with zoe
• Become more attached as a family and it is also more difficult as well
• Realize who my good friends are and how I miss them
• Come to terms that I am not 25, or 30, or 40 or even 45, but have different needs and a different way of being at 50.
• Let go of being responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
• Realize I am more of a loner than I realize and I love the time to read great and not so great books.
• Find a new passion in writing which I want to pursue
• Realize and rekindle an old passion in travel which I want to pursue
• Not worry
• Realize I don't want to worry again
• Have time and energy to be a fulltime mom but am lucky enough to have a fulltime dad to help
• See how much more time Zoe takes than ever before and how it is a treat to be with her (most of the time)
• Embrace what it means to have a lot of downtime, summertime, and no where to go, nothing to have to do, and no one to have to see.
• Feel what it really feels like to be in the now and don’t like it when I am pulled out of it.
• Be open to different places and different lives as long as I can mostly be a mom and write and speak for money and consult a little for the extras.
• Become very clear that I don’t want to reenter into the life I left with high stress, high worry and little passion.

Where are we going on this journey and where will it take us?

This is the ongoing discussion Jean and I have. Zoe intervenes as well stating she wants all her houses and a house in every country we have been in. A wonderful plan we think. But seriously, we discuss questions such as can we go back to how we were and if so how do we do it on one income? Is it possible? If not, there, where? Can we not go back? What is best for Zoe? What is best for us?

All I know for sure is I just want to continue going, continue living, continuing traveling, continuing not to work like I did before. I am okay living a bit longer in limbo. Jean wants to know where we are going, what we are doing, but I too want to begin to create a life where we will be for awhile. 

The beauty of being here is being so solidly in "the now." The other day, I got caught in not being in the now, which was so distracting and upsetting to me which also surprised me so. I felt so much unease.  I am amazed how disturbed I felt. This is a new change for me.

With a few scenarios in mind we are now focusing on what we want out of the second year. Maybe that is what we should focus on.. our second year. What is it about..The rest will come as everything does.

Year Two:

• Focus on my physical health and strength. Get fit, loose weight, no allergies or asthma and feel good.
• Focus on my writing. Get an agent and finish our book. Make good money from it.
• Travel .. Travel… Travel
• Help Jean with his PhD
• Help Zoe to enjoy school, dance, friends, and life
• Have time with Jean to enjoy France

Our journey continues on the outside and on the inside.